Visualizing my 5 year Horizon

I have goals and really want to see my ideas to full fruition. The visualization exercise is done with the forethought that everything is perfect and I am at an idealistic moment in life. Yes, I have my doubts that every aspect of life could not possibly be in order in 5 years (that’ s why it is idealistic). But the visualization exercise enables me to set goals and focus on achieving them. In my perfect 5 year plan, it was autumn and I am in the park reading, the kids are playing, and I am happily married. Not to mention I had doubled my salary and finally completed school. Here’s a piece of fall:

Forgiveness is Lopsided

Recently, I had an “ah ha!” moment about forgiveness. I have been going through a lot emotionally and in the process of moving on. So I have to forgive myself and all parties involved. But it’s easy to say, “I forgive you” and it is quite different for that moment of accomplishment.

Originally, I thought I had to forgive and forgiveness had to be reciprocated. I was so wrong. Forgiving is acknowledgment, which is an indicator that something occurred and it hurt. To forgive is an expression of that hurt on one’s behalf  so it is one-sided. I can say, “I forgive you” and mean it only if I let the situation go. The first phase of the forgiveness process is only acknowledgment and there should be no expectation of the other person(s).

The second phase is reconciliation that is mutual. Compromise is basically accepting that what happened hurt and then agreeing on limitations of hurt. For example, if your partners cheats on you and you are willing to forgive, that’s acknowledgment. How you deal with your cheating partner is reconciliation; this is an involved process and should warrant no excuses. Because if one party is placing blame then there is a lack of responsibility of one’s actions. And that is when phase three of boundaries should kick in.

Boundaries are the limitations imposed on people, situations, emotions et cetera, which ultimately shapes the way you interact  with hurt and/or forgiveness. Removing oneself from a negative milieu requires boundaries but is an exogenous factor to forgiveness.

Reality Check! Forgiveness is a unidimensional process that only involves one person. Therefore, acknowledge hurt and understand that reconciliation does not involve self-mutilation.

Money and Waste Don’t Mix

Money is a wealth building tool. The goal is to accumulate more money and make working optional. Learn the value of money by respecting it and do not waste it.

Goal: Decrease your consumption by half and save the difference. For example, plug out your electronics or don’t flush after every trip to the BR. Or stop using so much toothpaste. If you spend $3.50 per month on toothpaste, decrease it to $2.25 and save the $1.25. This $15.00 annual savings with compound interest (10% intrest rate) from 20-50 years old is $2,882.31. Or from 20 – 80, until you need dentures, it’s $59,962.73.

Distractions and Background Noise

Goal setting has to be one of the most difficult things for me. I can come up with a billion different scenarios for my expectations in life with 5 year horizons. But I can never settle on a few simple goals with minor achievements. I have always seen myself being a doctor but I really do not have the dedication to put towards a 4 year to 6 year goal in education. Education has been an issue because I always think about finances, relationships, and children. More specifically, if I were to dedicate 4 to 6 years into a career where would I be. My guess is that my income would substantially increase with about 5 years of experience. Then comes the white noise.

I can never truly focus on work because I am always thinking about an advanced degree. I can never fully focus on an advanced degree because I am thinking about all of my expenditures. The real problem is not knowing what I want rather than making a decision on work or school. So I did this visualization exercise that I typically do and map out my next 5 years. In five years, I pictured myself in a park during fall with my family including my children and a husband. Also, in this moment of bliss, I was  financially sound and felt professor-ish. I am going to do this “moment of reflection” period for the next 30 days just to see what I add or take away.

But the gargantuan task is to filter out all the distractions and background noise. Some distractions include, but not limited to, draining friends, stupid boys, and crappy jobs. Obviously, I can be a horrible friend and not listen to the whinnying and be more proactive about my needs in the friendship. Or I can cut the stupid boy off and actualize my potential. Moreover, I can demand that my time at work be valued with a higher salary. This sounds so easy but only creates chaos.

If I created a task list today, it would include: finish master’s, pay off debt, keep kids in good schools, increase my income, and seek or keep emotionally supportive relationships. Really these are not tasks just a list of goals but they seem so tangible and are like glaring deficiencies that should be corrected.

Reality Check: In “real” life, there will always be background noise or distractions. It is working through those that makes us champions.

Assessing a Monetary Value to Stuff

If I every met a Scrooge, I met one about a year ago. His financial personality places a monetary value to everything. The notion is that why have an “asset” that does not make money; this is basically greed (not that greed is a bad thing it should just have limits). Generally speaking, people  incur expenses everyday they live and find ways to generate money in the form of a job, a business, a paying hobby and the like. Stuff can be anything such as furniture, a car, a book, or more generically things you cannot categorize. The idea here is that placing a value to a car distinguishes it from a thing (or high priced gas using and maintenance cost having thing) because it now has a price tag associated with it. In our society, we associate money with value. We neglect the fact that a car is most expensive in the first 10,000 miles or that the value will depreciate. So the price we pay for something is associated with how much we value it.

My friend has “assets” these assets include an array of things such as real estate, stocks, a pension, friends, a car, and convenience. Technically, he does not place a value on family and friendship but in actuality he does. For example, if he has $50K in a stock and it is not appreciating in value it’s a dead stock. So he sells it and buys something else. If an investment property does not have a renter or the area is “depressing” then he cuts his loses. If a friend cannot contribute to their relationship financially, like start a business together, then their not friends (unless they were childhood friends) but associates. Every relationship is like a business venture. He pays for convenience so the value of this is associated with multiple houses or condos paid in full.  When in actuality, these properties are dead assets because they are not used until he needs them. Moreover, it is more risky to pay for a home in cash than to have a mortgage.

I have been trying to express to my friend that money is not everything. And, not surprisingly, he does not understand my concept. My concept is that in the end if all you are is financially fit, financially secure, and financially prepared then all you have is money and that is sad. Therefore, we have to have balance. What does it really mean in life to have money with no one to share it with? Or a bunch of houses but no “home?” Or to be financially sound and an emotional mess?

I struggle with how much money influences my life. I went to college but it was not to get a good job. Reality: people who go to college (and finish) earn more than those with a high school diploma. I live in a nice community because of convenience. Reality: people in my neighborhood have similar education and income. My children go to good schools because I think it is better for them overall. Reality: their schools are “diverse” but also homogenous in terms of household income. Honestly, I value experiences, education and things like coffee, watches, and black dresses. So I spend my money of that stuff be it piano lessons, trips, or good school and/or districts. But my kids never like practicing the piano, or the trips I choose, and even asked why I  pay for their school because they do no learn anything.

Reality check: We can place a monetary value on something that means absolutely nothing, especially in retrospect.

Good People Being Duped

Being duped or dicked is nothing nice. And it’s typically the “good” people who are easy bait for the smut people of the world.  I have been 100 percent bonafide-ly dicked on every level over the past year. I have gotten dicked in its purest from. Emotionally and financially duped.

Being duped is a cute way to say dicked. O.K. most may think the dickee is just dumb and, of course, should have seen it coming. However, being dicked has implicit assumptions. First, it that most people are good. Second, the probablity of a good person coming in contact with a smut of a person is slim to none. Third, good people are good because they do the right thing (and not because it’s an adjective). Basically, the dickee is a person that thinks bad people will not seek them out. On top of that, dickees think bad people cannot infiltrate their inner circle. And to make matters worst subconsciously believe in Karma.

FYI I have been royally dicked. I have been knowing this guy for about a year and we have an investment house, his car, and an abortion together. This is the worst. First, The investment house came about because we were going half on everything and he wanted to show me how to make money. Flip side: he did not like the area and no longer wanted anything to do with the house. Second, I signed the title for his car so he can get tags because he did not want to change his license over. Me being a friend it was O.K. for me to do that favor. Flip side: he is hardly in-town, the insurance and tags are in my name, and he does not want to pay the $14.oo fee to wire me money (cheap ass). Third, we had been “laid up” for about six months I get pregnant  and things go haywire. Flip side: he realizes that he does not wants kids and starts harassing me then offers money to get out of situation. I got dicked three times.

It is amazing how good intentions can be so off the mark (almost like welfare policies). I guess that’s the beauty people intend to do a lot of things. Like I intend on staying in the house and reading but the likelihood of this occurring is slim to none. Or like L loaned my friend $500 and she stills intends on paying me back but that was 3 years ago.

Reality Check! Being duped is common and happens in many ways. Once you have realized that you in a dick-esque situation make an exit plan and execute it.

Practical Decision Making

The moment I realized that I had gone through with the “procedure” I started having baby thoughts. It is like when your a teenager and searching for security and love from your peers. As teenagers, we go through the whole wanting acceptance. I am having an inner fight with myself about accepting me and my various components. The hardest part is accepting that I let some douche bag come into my life and control the decisions that I made. Furthermore, I made a life altering choice and now I am wondering how have I altered my future.

So we go through life making decisions where the outcomes can be predicted. For instance, I went to college there are about three possible outcomes: 1) finishing college, 2) dropping out of college, and 3) becoming a professional student.  This was a very predictable and sound decision (really, who opposes going to college?).  But when you think your making a moral decision mixed with a judgment call it messes things up.

I think getting an abortion is a very practical decision because you know the outcome will be a termination of pregnancy.  But I also think if you can rationalize the behavior that lead up to the pregnancy then you can make practical decision the follow through with the consequences. What’s a practical decision? A practical decision is when the outcomes are predictable. In my experiences, practical decision making is followed by a series of irrational behavior. Prime example, my abortion. Prior to the abortion I was creating a recipe for pregnancy only it was guided by irrational behavior. One, I was having unprotected sex with someone that did not want kids. Two, I was a repeat offender of making “emotional” decisions. Three, there was no cut off point for my destructive behavior. So the amalgam of irrational behavior, fertility, and unprotected sex left me with trying to make a rational decision contradictory to my beliefs. Interesting.

Reality Check! Making practical decision in hindsight of irrational behavior is nothing more than trying to rationalize irrational behavior.

Diametrically Opposed and Slightly Melodramatic

I keep kicking myself in the butt for the bad decisions that I have made in my past. The reality is that I made choices and I have to live with them. Surely, it would be grand if I could have gone through life and made absolutely no mistakes such as the stupid boy I dated in high school. Or the stupid guy in college. And even the awkward courtship I currently have. But that’s not the case. Looking back I can justify the idiocrasy. I can even justify my idiosyncratic susceptibility to horrible men and sex without protection. The objective here is not to wallow in this mess but rather accept my past and move on.

The easy part is saying that I have accepted my past. The hard part is actually doing it. The whole abortion thing is not going away. My thing is that I feel like I lost a child (even though it was never born). I’m probably making a big deal of this but I really want to stay reminded of my actions and how I got into that situation. It is sort of like the recovered drug addict that talks about their past experiences with drugs and how they have removed themselves from it (blah blah). The caveat  is I do not want to remove myself but I do not want a pity party either. So I have got to pick up the pieces.

“Picking up the pieces” (to me) is equivalent with  saying that it is O.K. to have an abortion. And it is! But a large part of me is like abortions are bad. And because abortions are bad I am too. It is almost like saying the abortion process is a diabolical plot or something. This is absolutely absurd but I am starting to internalize it as true.

Post-abortion: August 22, 2009

So, I got an abortion, and I regret it. I made a decision that altered my life. Some think that an abortion is a problem solver but in actuality you go through a lot of emotions and stress with an abortion. Would I recommend an abortion? Probably not.  My reason for getting one seriously I don’t know. Honestly, I really did not have a valid reason. Yes, I felt pressure from family and the father. Yes, I felt like my baby would have been fatherless. Yes, I felt it was a rational decision. On the other hand, it is something I think about everyday. No, I do not have nightmares. No, I did not have any complications with the procedure. No, I do not think that women that go through the process suck.

But…I feel horrible about getting the abortion. Post-abortion feels like having a baby but there’s no baby to hold, wake up with, kiss, or watch grow. The counselors at the clinic advised me not to get it but I sold a compelling argument — I guess. I felt relieved once I wasn’t pregnant but I felt guilt, shame, and a lack of confidence too. Would I get another abortion? Absolutely not.

Honestly, I think women can still be product with children. I would not have loss anything by keeping my baby. But I definitely feel like I lost something by getting an abortion. The sense of loss is filled with thoughts of getting pregnant again or trying to keep busy but overall I just feel crappy. Maybe some women have success stories with the process but it is really something I could not do again. I feel like a completely different person or like a made a pact with the devil.

Let me be truthful: I traded my baby’s life to one, stop the arguing with the father, two, the harassing phone calls, three, money that I have not received, and four, some people made it seem like I was a failure for wanting to keep my baby. Wow! It is amazing how much influence I did not have in that decision and that’s the hardest part. I felt like I did something against my will yet I was the one that signed the paperwork,  went through the procedure, and “chose” to go through with it.

I guess I needed to make that decision absent of the pressure of “real” life. Reality check. Once, I can remove myself from the power of influence or people then and only then can I make a conscious decision. The aforementioned statement is really B.S. because every decision I have made in life is influenced by something. For example, choosing to go to college was influenced by research that showed people with more education make more money (not to mention my mother said I have to get a job or go to school). I guess the conundrum, although unanswered, is can decisions be made without influence.

Me on His Thoughts about Baby No.3

Yeah. So. Um…I truly and wholeheartedly think The Dude is full of it. Some times I want to think he’s not the person he is turning into but I have my doubts.

I can dig his whole family thing but I don’t get the part where the baby forces him out the door. He tells me I will be there if you do not have but if you do I am 99.9 percent not going to be there. Seriously, dude. He has gotten a shock and is running scared a baby or no baby he’s gone. Therefore, I am making a decision to be pregnant and alone (this is heavy, literally).

I think he does NOT want to mess up his frequent flier single guy thing. He’s really just a major slut when I think about things. His M.O. is to keep women that are educated, career focused, and cute on deck. No women really wows him so he moves around. Him spending time with me was just that his time with me. In actuality, I should of had some other “players” on my team.

Him wanting a family may be true but he is an emotional mess. The baby will not under any uncertain terms change him. The Dude will continue to do him (meaning not change until he sees fit). I think children can grow up in loving environments without two parents as long as both parent are responsible. At the root of things, I think he’s confused.

I also think that I have been played. He was in control of everything up until this point. Me choosing to have a baby he can’t control (unless…let’s not think like that). The only logical thing I can think is that he thought I would get an abortion but you cannot make reckless decisions thinking you can fix them in the morning. An abortion is not birth control (at least not to me).

Him walking out is his way of controlling the situation. Under the line of thinking that she will reconsider. He feels like he is being forced to be a dad again, and I feel like I am being forced to get an abortion. I could see if we compromised but we are polar opposites on this issue.

It’s week 6. I feel like crap. And he is acting like a douche.